24

I think more terrifying than being exposed to the world is being exposed to myself. To have to look at myself without all the smoke and mirrors is… disarming, to say the least. I break down and cry at least twice a week. Because the picture looks so bleak and the horizon is so narrow. Because, just like looking at myself naked in the mirror, the view from where I sit isn’t all that pretty. Because God doesn’t have skin and he can’t hold my hand through all of this. Because I’m just scared. What if the end doesn’t justify the means. And what if I raise my standards and then never meet them.

I’m discovering a really amazing life and a really fulfilling spirituality. Its something I’ve never seen written down on paper. Something we’ve always talked about but never had the words for. And I’m discovering things that are important to me. And I’m defining the things I want to accomplish in my life. I can’t say what its all leading up to but at least now the road leads somewhere. I’m off the couch… I don’t know where I am or where I’m going but I’m not on the couch and that has to count for something.